Warning: Anyone who looks for coherence in my blog right now is a dimwit. Go somewhere else. I am just taking my restlessness out here.
So, weeks gone by, and I still have nothing to do. Mum won't buy me a Physics book. I'm tired of asking her. Dad won't get me an sms card. I shan't ask him any more either.
One of my friends just smsed to say that he is going for Physics tuitions from today. I envy him. Sigh. I want to go to a tuition too! I want to study, get scolded for not studying, catch myself daydreaming when I'm supposed to study and then scold myself, and hide story books beneath text books and read them furtively. And feel my heart jump violently whenever anyone enters the room, grin sheepishly at the person if it happens to be Mum, and make a display of the very fat and erudite volume of Chemistry that I'm reading. Where is the fun of reading Agatha Christie first thing in the morning if there is no one to catch you at it and shout their lungs out? Story books seem more a lot more enjoyable when you're not supposed to be enjoying them, just the same way Hide 'n' Seek tastes doubly delicious when you have them mid-class, passing them under the desk to your friends while Sarbani Aunty blabs on and on about Cotton Textile Industries.
I have Amitava Ghosh, George Eliot(no, not Silas Marner), Thomas Moore, those complicated-named authors whom I can't spell (Dostoevsky and so on), and Maxim Gorky to occupy me. Yet, I'm unoccupied. To what extent can you read on and on and on? Before the Madhyamiks, I wouldn't have believed that it is possible for any normal human being to get tired of story books. But now I am, and I don't know what to do about it. Riddle's comment on my last blog was scary. But the thing is: I dunno how to spoil the day and treat it like my only child (or whatever it was that you told me to do), I can only let each day slip through my fingers the same way I did before the Madhyamiks. And there is no regret at the end of the day, no fervent plan-making for the next day...nothing.
All of my friends are in the same condition as I am, and yet I am the only one who is getting so restless as to post three consecutive blogs on the topic of restlessness. I wouldn't blame people who get tired of these posts, as if I myself am not tired! I wish someone's birthday or mum-dads anniversary or something similar would come up. Then I could at least get busy making them a gift. No such chance till May! :-( Why do all my friends have their birthdays in the same season? Its not fair! Birthdays should be scattered all throughout the year. And people should have at least two birthdays a year.
Okay. High time I stopped ranting to myself. I've just realised that I have never posted a single picture on any of my blogs. All my friends have. I think I shall end with a picture.
I wonder who is going to have tea there. Perhaps it's a table laid out for two people who are meeting each other after a long, long time. They don't even know that they were friends at one point of time. Suppose it's me and Deya. We haven't managed to open the joint xerox shop after all. Through the years, we have drifted apart, and we are living our lives to the fullest. She is the head of the leading advertising agency of the US. I catch rare insects in Canada, and do some professional photography. We don't remember our childhood in India. It has grown to be a series of blurred colours, and we don't have time to splash those colours into our present lives. We have no time to look back; we only know the way forward.
She has contacted me for some photographs. She needs them for her advertising agency. It's a strictly business-like affair. Our meeting has been arranged by some people we don't know, at the spot where I am supposed to do my bit of photography. (Interruption: Why the picture looks so cosy, I don't know! People hardly have tea under such circumstances! Well, better not try reasoning, coz it won't get me anywhere.)Nowadays, whenever I see a beautiful scene, it has grown into my habit to photograph it. After photographing it, the second thought on my mind is to utilise the photo somewhere professionally, to gain some money. I don't know when I stopped photographing out of love, and started doing it out of habit. But then, I'm a professional.
She's a professional too, and we have agreed to meet at 9:00 a.m. sharp. The table has been readied a few minutes early. Soon, we are going to arrive. I am never late anywhere, so I shall probably arrive a minute or two early. She will, too. And maybe we'll spend the extra minute warming up to each other. Maybe she's going to face a sudden problem with her contact lenses and will have to take them off. Maybe her eyes, as I knew them in my childhood, will stir something in me. Maybe my toothy grin, something that I have carried unknowingly from my childhood into adulthood, will stir something similar in her. Maybe something will go wrong suddenly, and unwittingly set something right. Maybe I shan't want to photograph my surroundings all of a sudden, but just drink them in with my eyes and my soul. She will make a comment on the surroundings that will suddenly make me wonder....! Maybe we shall recognize each other, maybe we shan't...but...at the end of the day...the meeting will change us somewhat...change something in our lives. I'll go home and look up my old photo collection that has grown so dusty that I can't recognize anyone any more, and she will try to remember if she really did lose her old diaries...
Okay, okay, okay...I really got carried away. Nuts! It's 1:50!! Bang, and I land back to reality. Sorry folks, restlesness does strange things to people. I'll take a bath now, thank you. And do some diary writing. I hope Jupiter has something good for lunch.
And don't be scared away from my blog by this post. I promise I'll post something coherent next time!
:-)
4 comments:
The whole picture did not come into the frame. :-(
And, er, I know this was nutty. Try not to laugh too hard! I totally lost control.
This, my deer, is an interesting way to kill time. Well, that child thing was quite an innovation. dunno where that came from, but even if i say so myself it was meaningful!
I didn't start Physics tuition for Christ's sake! I just enrolled!
I totally agree with the story books.
Story books ARE more fun, much more fun when i am not supposed to read them.
I simply cant finish Maxim Gorky's apprentice...even reading has its limits, i guess.
Looking forward to your coherent post. Don't take a year, please..:D
i loved the u and deya scene, it reminds me of the old world tales of friendship and romance one which were "sesh hoiao hoilo na sesh" types!
"Story books seem more a lot more enjoyable when you're not supposed to be enjoying them"
happens all the time. my mum told me that she'd chuck out any new book that i brought into my room because there's no space left, and all i can do now is think of nice hiding places.
:D
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